Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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