Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
