Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
