i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
