i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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