woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
