i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
