Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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