Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you inspire me to be a worse person
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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