On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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