If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
