he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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