but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
