Well douche your snatch and let's go!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
