I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
