I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
