Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
