I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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