woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
