I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
