I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
