i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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