dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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