Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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