so that wasnt chicken after all
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
