She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
