we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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