Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
sex in a hospital.. check
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
