Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
