my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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