Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
