listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
