I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
