am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
