so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
