My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
