At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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