If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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