life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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