How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she told me i tasted like america
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
