4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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