where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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