Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
