i need an iv and a liver transplant
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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