I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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