my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
