I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
