I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
