I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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