You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
