I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
